i havee beer in my backseat and a glow in the dark condom in my cleaveage.
you're going for the gold here.
I passed out in the cab. Woke up to the cabby yelling SIR SIR WE ARE AT THE TRAIN STATION!! SIRRRR!!
loyola was giving a tour this morning and they all saw me in a half ripped off toga throwing up over the side of the dorm stairs
you don't even go to loyola anymore
Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
There are no words to adequately express my gratitude for sending me porn you found staring a former classmate.
Where else am I to apply my creativity?
I don't know. Anywhere productive and not involving sex toys would be a start.
She was blacklisted from the Uhaul center...what the fuck do you have to do to get blacklisted from a Uhaul center
i'm reaslly not drunk enough to wtch the fat lesbian on my floor brng another fat lesbian dressed up as a bloody nurse into her room at 2am
My dad told me my only assignment from now til graduation is to not die. it's a legit concern for him.
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
Last night at the bar you we're seriously going up to people and pushing through them like they were bowling pins and you were a bowling ball
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
Don't try to butter me sideways
That is without a doubt the most Southern thing you have ever said.
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