mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
Just saw 30+ dicks. Explain later.
If i evwr doyble fist jack daniels and smirnoff again, i hereby give you permission to take them both away grom me and give me and give me a glass of wat
Let's play a little game of "Last Night Never Happened"
Quick question. What's the protocol on going back to a bar after going home with one of their bartenders?
Go back and try to find another to go home with.
I like you as a friend, but I'm in love with your dick.
I specialize in how to hang out and party with randoms after you've hooked up with them. Not in feelings.
He sent me a text from across the party that said "your sexy." I just couldn't.
The cat be actin like a 2:30 am poop is the time to tell me all about her thoughts and fears in life. No bitch, this is definitely alone time.
When he was going down on me I referred to him as "Lord Snow" and HE GOT IT. HE GOT THE GAME OF THRONES REFERENCE. I AM IN LOVE
No ambien sex tonight. I just ate two hotdogs with chilli and onions.
Ok, in complete transparency, I am eating a cookie on my bed naked while reading a Halo novel.
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
He sent me a flaccid dick pic from the bathroom at the bar and he said I'm sorry it's not all hard and good looking. Props to him - I did ask for a pic.
I either have food poisoning or I'm pregnant. Either way, I NEED JESUS!
Randomize
