Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
franzia sundays are my new favorite holiday
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
This would be a good time for the don't get drunk and bang a married chick pep talk...
I thought he wouldn't talk to me again. You know, what's that saying "why buy the cow when you can fuck it six hours after meeting"
I'm not sure what happened. But I must have won because I obviously stole two full pitchers of beer from the bar and taped a note on them saying "your welcome"
I had her number in my wallet, I was sitting on a winning ticket for the blowjob lottery and didn't know
So I think I might just embrace the awkwardness and say he fingerblasted her cause thats the greatest word in existence
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
if you're not jumping for joy when you see penis then you're looking at the wrong ones.
not sure what stings more, my ass or my pride...
Seriously. There were about 4 hours in which I swear my nose was not attached to my face.
Remember the random guy who licked my face when we were at the bar the other night?
Yeah. His name is Andrew. We just met
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