I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
...and the foreplay consisted of me threatening to cut off his hand if he didn't remove it from my back.
You haven't puked in my sink in over a year.. Youre coming over this weekend
At the bar. Madeline and I totally brought our own pitcher from home because they always run out. Hello alcoholism.
Dude, I think shitting blood should be a cause for concern not celebration that you had a great night.
She insisted on cleaning her room in the dark. 5 minutes in, she forgot what she was doing and started putting shirts on instead of hanging them up.
I'm covered in European cum. How's your day going?
Dude you chased a girl around the yard and then fell over the curb. Face first. You got up on your own tho so you reached champion status
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
Note to self don't stop having sex during an earthquake! I call it a 6.1 orgasm!
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
Please note that in response to your post about your dog's jaws clamped hard around a stick, I did not comment, "Takes after his dad." You're welcome.
I'm sitting at my kitchen table alone dressed as a dinosaur smoking bowls in the dark. Is this rock bottom? Or is this living the dream? Who's to say
He asked if I could not say his name during sex cause he liked the girl in the apartment above me.
Randomize
