i blacked out hard core.. it was bad peeeed muh bed
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
That bad?
Full length cargo pants, running shoes, and a partial unibrow. Alcohol really is blinding.
The strip clubs here are like a safari of penis, and I'm gonna bag me a rhino.
She waited 7 months to break out her comicon costumes. I was only mad it took her so long. I fucked an elf last night and strawberry shortcake the night before!
If I wasn't stoned and knee deep in cheese and crackers I'd help.
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
Maybe I can find a straight girl rehab camp, like the opposite of those degaying camps, where they teach me how to love the ladies instead
Omg. I would pay ALL OF THE MONEY for that camp.
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
It's amazing the amount I can accomplish with a glass of wine in my hand.
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
I threw up in my brother's Easter basket
Dude I had sex with her and she STILL thinks I'm gay. I don't know what else to do.
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
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