Literal conversation "you are ________ ____. you facebook friended me"
i effing cant stand that stupid soul the new way to roll hamster commercial. everyone im with is laughing and now hate them all.
We should write a comic book about the many adventures of your vagina. Maybe even give it a cape or something.
Hes the only one i know who can talk to a girl for an entire hour abuot the science in starwars and still get laid.
he belly flopped onto the beer pong table, and almost boke his face, so at that point we decided swimming would be safer for him.
I just found out I lost my virginity the same day my parents did, 25 years later. This is my life.
I just watched dragonflies fucking. You can't match that level of geek.
Be proud. You give fat lesbians everywhere shower-nozzle worthy material for weeks on end.
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
Let me be the vehicle for you to live out your slutty half-gay dreams.
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
Really dude? drunk texts at 9 in the morning? its wednesday
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