Got a little crazy huh? Happy st pattys day. None of you have any idea where my credit card would be do you? How do i always lose
my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
So he asked me last night if I would cheer him on while he masturbated...
I think my hand is broken. But his nose definitely is
Even though we had just had to physically take her off of someones lawn she was peeing on when they came outside, she still insisted on walking unassisted the rest of the way home. It was dignity meets shit show.
im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
He put crushed up bacon in the joint and now we're listening to the Matilda soundtrack I have no idea what's going on
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
No one likes a giant penis on their phone screen. I mean cmon. I'm a lady.
Do you participate in Sunday morning booty calls?
Dammit! I didn't see this message, of course I do.
Nothing quite like walking through a spider web on your way back in from smoking to fuck up a perfectly good high.
You kept chewing on the empty milk carton and saying "kitty" over and over again. It was an interesting night.
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
I think him and kristen are pretty serious now.. I dont think he cheats on her, anymore.
The only words I could make out were "Dicksmash McIroncock".
Randomize
