Ugh I have so many sins to confess tmw at church, you just made me think of many more I've made on that street alone
Come 10 years my vagina won't look like this. I must cherish it
Bruises. Everywhere. Table sex is dangerous
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
By the taste of his semen he isnt vegetarian and therefore lied to me to take me home on a brighter note i stole his fondue set
Well I let her practice her tattooing on me. This shaky dragon on my arm says Im getting laid.
Probably not well advised, but you're welcome to stop by if your not ready to end your night. You know, for Thanksgiving's sake.
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
I don't know if it is the Everclear or chemistry, but i think my brain is coming out of my ears.
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
Holy sore nipples Batman
I'm honestly just now recovering from saint Patrick's day.
why is there a shopping cart in my back seat? and a dick drawn on the side of my car?
The condoms have been found. I repeat: THE CONDOMS HAVE BEEN FOUND. he isn't a collector!!!
I'm glad that we laid to rest the suspicion that he was keeping them in a scrapbook. yayy
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