Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
im surounded by vag. Like smog aound LA, i am suffocating in an atmosphere of pussy
textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
im shaking like a drug addict and i almost just shat my pants when i sneezed...no more patron for me
the girl next to me in class is drinking a margarita out of a slurpee cup. i know your going to ask how i know its a margarita and the answer is i can smell the tequila. i never want to leave this place
Lots of rum and cokes. Bartender wore my underwear on his head. Lost my keys. Accidentily started a fight. DC is going to kill me
if i'm ever face-down on the ground puking again, promise me you won't try to braid my hair?
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
I'm laying in my house looking at chocolate pudding drip from the ceiling onto my partially erect penis... Yay for shrooms!
so I'm staring at this cat and wondering..is the tail of the cat the derivative of it's head?
stop getting stoned after studying for a calc final.
The drunk mom in a firefighter hat just told her to leave.
Think I have the only job where I can be naked in a room with my manager at work. Apart from hookers
I'm so sad at the lack of dick in my life I am going to get sauced and make rice krispy treats
Yeah, oh and the story gets better. His friend was dressed as a christmas tree wrapped in twinkle lights and had to plug himself in the wall all night.
Randomize
