Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
I just saw a commercial for "tickle me elmo hands" and I am almost 100 percent sure that at the end elmo said "yeaaaaa boooyyyyyy"
I wonder who the first pervert was, and if he would be proud of me for advancing his art form by so much
where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
I would also like to inform you that I can no longer lay on my back because my tailbone is bruised from the nightstand. Good job.
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
I am VERY upset that you called my fiesta a waste of time.
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
Is valentines day the worst or best day to ask for a threesome? I'm weighing some options on this high-risk manoeuvre.
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
Just bought a gingerbread house kit and pregnancy tests. Happy holidays.
Who the fuck stole my fridge again
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
Randomize
