I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
Note left in log book: "4:30am a guy was caught masturbating in the bathroom and passed out in his own juices and we had to take the door off the hinges."
You guys are open that late?
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
1. I feel like Jello 2. The girl i hooked up with last night isn't here and a different girl is lying next to me. 3. I have no clothes on 4. Can guys go on walks of shame?
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
i think you broke pat's ankle when you drove over it... he's freaking out but on a more serious note i'm 99% sure i saw a werewolf
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
broke the door off of my fridge tryin to have a indoor rodeo
I feel like it'll be a success as long as she doesn't end up dead in a ditch. There has to be a line somewhere.
I'm pretty sure every guy I've been with this weekend has made a solid attempt at getting me pregnant...
They put paint on their hands and tried to see how many times they could touch me before I woke up.
Judging by this purple one they got to second base.
Then he shook the next streetlight but this one broke and fell over. He told me, "This is the part where we run."
i spent my Thursday drinking before noon and not wearing pants
I'm covered in bruises and scratches. I dont know whether to call them battlescars or sex decals
I looked into her soul, didn't I?
You eye-fucked her soul.
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