I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
Found my puke from September encrusted to the floor under the dresser while cleaning before move out ..... Oh Freshman year
Sending me a thank you card for letting you fuck my sister was completely inappropriate
Do you think you can get drunk by standing in a tank of vodka if it is seeping into your skin?
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
He came over hammered at four in the morning with roses trying to get me back when my new fling opened the door he just stood there crying for 40mins even after we closed the door
I took your mattress from your bed. Don't ask questions. Love you. See ya later.
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
No, I found out he was gay when I walked in on him blowing the guy from the dorm room next to ours.
There is a time and place for BDSM, in-between disney sing-alongs is not one of them.
I mean, I already saw his dick in person and wasn't impressed so why is he sending me a picture of it, anyway? I hate re-runs!
Are you drunk already?
Not already - at LAST.
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
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