is it wrong that i woudl like to tie u down to the baby changing station using the straps provided?
i hate that you can chart my weight gain through my facebook pictures.
I can hear my fat mexican neighbor yelling "do you like that!" ...I hope its not his dog
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
Doing tuck and rolls down a stair case was not my brightest idea
I swear to Christ if it turns out to be an intervention, i will set you on fire.
I may have farted on a group of children. It may not have been an accident.
How do I enter a double puke and rally into my calorie counter?
you said "this ones for the homies" and proceeded to pour the shot into your other cup instead of the ground b/c "good liquor is not meant to wasted no matter the circumstances"
I caved man... I fucked her so vigorously, desperately trying to correct her wonky eye. My determination was relentless.
You are a terrible person.
I just try to be optimistic...
Dude she tried to bite my face off last night, literally. I have never actually felt like a piece of meat until that point in life...
you ran up to the police and said "fuck the police shit we living in hell ". Then you dropped your Margarita and said "Darby Out" lol
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
fucking him is like fucking old faithful. you could set your watch by his orgasms.
Just because my bed is easier to get to doesn't mean it's okay to fuck in.
Randomize
