I hope you never procreate. Philly is already the ugliest city in the country.
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
Not hooking up w him- he has one of those L.L. Bean book bags w his initials on it
I have discovered something important. The trick to making food taste better is not always 'more hot sauce'.
I think her nose is broken... but I think she's just drunk enough to fall for the whole "sex releases endorphins, so it'll feel better" line.
No really tho I'm wearing a chucky cheese shirt and yoga pants. If that doesn't scream no sex idk what does
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
I actually bought food at McDonald's as an apology for what I was about to do to their bathroom.
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
I think I just wanna go buy some jack at the liquor store, come home, take my pants off, and not give a shit about stuff
you told me I was being patronizing because I didn't want you to run barefoot across a construction site
I heard a crunch while giving him head. I looked up and he was eating Cheese Itz. So we made a deal that he'd take a hand job so I could eat them too.
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
Nothing kills the mood like opening another guy’s dick pic in bed
Yeah. Of all the things to be cock blocked by a plague is the most unexpected.
Randomize
