So I had sex in the woods... it was just as dirty as you'd expect it would be.. and not in a good way.
Skinny jeans should not be made in size 14. Then, it's just a lie.
We went into lab today and when no one was looking i touched our cadaver's penis!
I'm stoned and just shared 4 cookies with this chicks dog
They're raisins though so they're healthy. No worries.
i did nothiing wrong other than not tell that kid his whole back was covered in puke
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
stalking the twitter feeds of girls who have fucked my current fuck buddy makes me glad we use condoms
Our relationship needs a sober moment
I'll call you when that happens
I don't know how to reply to him. 'I'm glad the ecstasy my friend tricked you into taking wore off'...? It just doesn't seem sincere
Maybe why that's why I'm perpetually single... I can't find a guy with bigger balls than mine.
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
He just sent me a picture of multiple chickens eating in his kitchen... should I be worried
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
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