It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
You need Jesus like Tony Danza needs another hit show.
and apparently i was drunk enough to follow up with "I'd let me touch your boobs" ... not my best line.
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
In all honesty of all my sexual conquests, his dick is probably my proudest moment.
OHMYGOD did I try to use pinesol as a mixer?
Good point, clearly my love of penis contributed to my torn knee ligament.
You want anything?
Gatorade and you naked.
I'm gonna fuck that sweet little pussy of yours into absolute submission
Wow. Sorry. As soon as I sent that I felt inappropriate. But yes. Bring a sandwich after. Lol
No he's here. We were watching Harry Potter stoned as shit and he fell asleep with his head in my lap. I'll figure out what to do with him after Harry gives Dobby the sock.
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
Indeed. If boner pill commercials have taught us anything, it's the importance of waiting until the moment is right.
Where else would I get life advice?
Just broke into the basement of my house via my american red cross blood donor card. I officially save lives
Randomize
