You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
I am officially superior to you. I said "Go Go Gadget Dick" before I fucked her. I dare you to beat that.
Is there anything medically wrong with drinking beer from a vagina?
How did the beer even get there in the first place?
That's not what's important right now
But why is there no point in liking him? Does he have herpes? Is he married? Is he gay? Did he get his penis chopped off in a freak accident? If the answer is no to all of the above, then he is fair game
we sixty- nined on a tennis court.. not even drunk. you say insane. i say creative genius.
i almost set my kitchen on fire last night. homecoming week is getting the best of me
I just found cold cuts in the blender. You and beefeater can no longer have unsupervised parties.
im just sayin im driving an hr to pick her up, just cause shes your gf doesnt mean i shouldnt be entitled to a bj
We may have picked the wrong resort. Brenna and I have already been propositioned for swinging twice and we've only been here 3 hours
All I remember is laying in that secret hideaway closet, naked, with a beer cowboy hat on and you walking in and sitting down crying because no one would have sex with you
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
Life is when you're laying naked in bed, eating Double Stuff Oreos with your boyfriend, blazed as fuck. Happy 4/20.
Yeah but him not going to be sleeping in your sink this time.
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
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