I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
Yeah. We was talkin. Its ok. My bed is too filled with pam for sex. Its like a slip and slide of butter product.
The worse part is i sent a text at like three that said i was getting head... Now i have no idea who's mouth has been on my dick
This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
The working title of my paper? "Tailgating: A Big Clusterfuck of Kids Who Dont Actually Give a Shit about Football"
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
Oh and I'm kind of in the library.
Waiting for the foreign guy who keeps staring to make his creepy move.
I'm eating tortillas right now. Like not cooked tortillas. Someone is playing the guitar. Man with bandana.
No worries I have vodka. Its always on time
He talked for 3 hours straight on how his dad is a dentist how fuck do you think my night was
Btw his name is Woody. I must be really drunk to think this is a good situation
What is more embarrassing, shitting yourself in Mexico or having sex in a forest preserve with a 19 yr old? This is crucial research.
i always handshake my one night stand, im classy like that.
So I wore my ankle step-counter exercise thingy while I rode him. Don't fuck him- I only burned .2 pounds.
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