Sarah, plain, and tall I adore you
i'm sure there's a big cosmic reason for things working out the way they did. like, now you have awesome images to masturbate to.
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
I just found out I lost my virginity the same day my parents did, 25 years later. This is my life.
I like the odds of his and my children being professional athletes too. To support me in my old age, see I do think about the future.
we should look into getting a golf cart for the weekend. i have a feeling legs wont be a sufficient source of transportation.
Cause a man that looks THAT good must have an ass that tastes like lucky charms
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
Only I could get hit on by homophobic straight guys in a drag bar.
Sorry for face planting onto the table with all our alcohol on it
I probably won't go. Last time I got drunk with those guys I just started demanding people let me touch their beards.Then I mocked everyone who didn't have facial hair.
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
Love it. I wish you see me right now. I'm counting cash on my bed with no shirt on, beauty and the beast sound track on blast. Fucking creepin it up.
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