foreplay: 7 minutes. sex: 3 minutes. cuddling: 10 minutes. getting dressed: 5 minutes. commute: 5 minutes.
The only thing I have to prove last night happened is a fireman's hat full of puke.
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
Plus apparently whenever one of her friends loses their virginity they get a party with a funfetti cake which I found funny
I was fingering her, she was moaning, and we were singing Mulan
What did you give her? She's trying to tape her wrists so her hands don't fall off.
They should have to wear some identification that warns you to stay away. Like one of those cones dogs wear to keep them from biting stitches. CONE OF SHAME.
Still losing my voice, so I am trying to get it back through drugs. Welcome to my Monday logic.
Today, my boyfriend informed me that I look like my dad when I orgasm
It's only slutty if you don't have his number. Unless there's a full moon. Then anything goes.
She just walked up to him and was like "you should fuck Angela" and it worked! She is the ultimate wingman
WE'RE NOT MAKING A DICK PIZZA OKAY
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
His ass is a ten, but his personality is a two. Which would average to a six if I didn't have to figure in apologizing to all and sundry. In short hard no. Get a new wingman.
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