All the good ones are taken. All that's left is the Harry Potter geek or the asshole in the corner. I think I'll settle for Harry Potter.
I can hear my fat mexican neighbor yelling "do you like that!" ...I hope its not his dog
I think i found piece of your tooth in my dick this morning when i took a shower
i think you walked me home, then i felt bad for putting you through the trouble so i walked you home...i'm not sure how i got home after that.
He gets a blow job and all I get is a huge scar on my arm ... how is this fair?
Dude you don't even know. I spilled the tequila and it took 4 people to stop me from drinking it off the table.
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
Dude he's not responding... I'll take that as an unpleasant visit to the clinic
I feel like I have heartburn in my nipples.
next time we make out at a concert please try to refrain from screaming out our hotel room number.. the amount of guys that knocked on our door after you passed out was ridiculous
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
So hungover and decided to eat a burrito and a pot brownie for dinner, this is what adulthood looks like.
shut up and let me use my vagina as a weapon of self destruction in peace!
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
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