then for some reason i googled "how much to buy a cannon"
My vag wants to play a game of hungry hungry hippos with your cock.
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
It's shit like that that makes me wish being deaf was contagious
that trick or treat candy bucket that we used to collect beer money last night was very helpful when I vomited in it this morning
They're putting plan B in vending machines now. My life just got so much easier.
Two chicks walked outta his room and all he did was beat his chest like LeBron and yell, "And 1!"
I'm developing all these feelings it's disgusting.
I'm about to have a threesome at the hotel where I had my quinceañera. Becoming a woman under this roof for the second time, whaaat
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
Bro you were on fire last night...like a less Irish version of Liam Neeson
NOT PREGNANT HIGH FIVE!
Wanted to let you know I hooked up with your brother.
i thought he was gay wtf
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