update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
I'm drinking Leinenkugel through a Red Vine. I'm not drunk. I'm just happy with my life so far.
I should know better than to trust a man I've seen cry on multiple occasions to give me accurate sports information.
In times of desperation, never...NEVER put green apple scented hand sanitizer on your vagina.
Sweet tea and masterbation. It's how I manage.
Talking to him sober hurts my brain
Thanks for launching me off you reverse cowgirl. I think I chipped a tooth.
It's not too terrible. You just got a little naked and broke your arm.
Like I'm getting finger banged and my family is making cookies in the kitchen. Talk about terrifying
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
you said something about joining a k-pop band before passing out topless on the trampoline.
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
Should I bring my 4 pairs of bunny ears? Or is that too weird?
4 pairs might be a bit much
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
Randomize
