I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
i have a real life question, do ur boyfriends pretend to be vampires ever?
She has 260 profile pics. In 260 she's ugly and in 255, she's making the peace sign with her hands...
I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
Next thing I know we're all standing in the kitchen holding hands and thanking God for the beer.
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
I just bought a 1/4 oz of pot from a coworker who's old enough to be my grandfather...I'm never leaving Portland.
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
Just because I stayed up all night betting on Australian Horse Racing doesn't mean I have a gambling program.
He bedazzled a shirt for me that said "best head giver" should I be thankful for the gift or concerned that he has a bedazzler?
You kept yelling stranger danger at Nick because he was talking to that girl you didn't like. Your not invited ever again.
Need advice bro. Which one should I take: the blonde devil crying in the corner or the brunette crawling on the floor acting like a dinosaur??
Randomize
