I think i found my new favorite workout. Go to a party where you dont know anybody and constantly walk around the house so you dont look awkward standing alone. im up to 1.8 miles
there's chicken and sequins in our bathroom sink. part of me almost wants to know what happened
This guy just brought his piggy bank into the bar with him. Talk about corruption of childhood.
He just walked in our room casually and said "big girls are hungry"
See this is what happens when we don't have sex everyday
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
It's fine...I've done worse things to better people.
We need to go back to the barter system so I can sell my body and just be done with it.
I have a diplomatic trade for you. My pants for your rum. Tomorrow?
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
Just fantasized about my boss's fingers in a meeting. I desperately need to get some.
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
I woke up at 6:30 in the morning on the A train on 14th street. You wouldn't know anything about that right?
Randomize
