I just fucked a rockette. This would have been amazing a week ago.
She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."
I judge a person on how well they respect their vaginas... I can tell by the lack of respect she has for hers I dislike her.
We're going to catch a squirrel this summer
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
Who has the safety vest from this past weekend Additionally, who has the dancemaster glove?
Also you can't just sext a Michelle quote from Full House.
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
i found you laying on the floor staring at the ceiling and you kept muttering "why" in various inflections.
I walked in on him fucking her whilst she ate skittles. I saw things no one should see, but I did get your bra back. You owe me.
I wanna get to the point where I can just send a question mark and get an exclamation point in response
I drank beer out of a Frisbee and it was all downhill from there...
i cant go to his party cause last time i pressed the red buttons on the wall and the fire alarm went off for 40 minutes, i'm not allowed back there
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
Why the fuck is Ian Naked eating string cheese in my guest bedroom?
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