i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
I convinced her san diego was a state. all the proof I needed was saying, why do they call it san diego state university?
Then he told me I had the most beautiful looking vulva
we've progressed from teabagging to lighting eachothers asses on fire. this cannot be a good path.
Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
You better have your party panties on Saturday!
Why only Saturday?
Well I have an AA meeting Sat morning so I'm going to try to take it easy Fri.
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
I think I was using my hair to catch my vomit last night.
You were.
Don't mind the bowl full of ashes in the sink. I meant to set that on fire.
Medically speaking as your gynecologist and your girlfriend, that is not a rash.
And we're breaking up
He offered me my choice of the Abe Lincoln or Ben Franklin dick pic.
Crying while I'm pooping. I think this is rock bottom
Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye
Oh.
You came to the right person.
I swear to God...this day is one great big who's who in the land of fucked uppedness.
Randomize
