if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
Just ate lunch with a paperclip again. Seriously, need to invest in plastic forks.
somehow I got talked into dressing up like a hot dog, spinning around ten times, and shooting lay ups in front of thousands of students
Did you really end last night's sexting with "Stay thirsty my friend"?
They just kept handing me shots and saying welcome to college
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
I also found a beer label in my bra and I'm pretty sure you put it there and said "this means I trust you"
Apparently it's bring your ugly annoying ass piece of shit slob of a baby day at work
I miss using glorious as an adjective. I'm gonna start doing that again. And I'm gonna try to get cuntatrosphe in there some more, too.
I caught a glimpse of his penis. I can only imagine what your mom's vagina goes through because of that penis
How hard do you think it would be to make a drinking game out of a Slip-N-Slide? Asking for a friend.
Hahaha perfect. Let's start stopping drinking tomorrow
And for the record I didn't even have sex last night. I threw up in his toilet and slept in his bed until noon
Yeah I passed out. The last thing I remember is the lady telling me I couldn't play the clarinet with my nose.
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