He's married, but his wife isn't my neighbor so I don't feel bad about coveting him.
I think it's just because she's got "I'll sleep with anyone with a decent car" written all over her face.
I am currently prioritizing my hw by splitting into things i can and things i cant do drunk. Oh college
i was concerned by what you said you would do for a snickers. It wasn't even a Klondike bar.
he came so fast he could have be employed at jimmy johns
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
you kept telling everyone how your ninja turtle shell also functioned as a backpack
It just goes to show you, your dreams can come true. You can hook up with your dads hot married friend.
i'm soo broke, the only trip i can afford for spring break is acid
Only he would come to a strip club and talk about an internship with Walt Disney during a lap dance.
what compelled you to fill her bra with pudding and freeze it in the first place?
i might remember if i didn't get knocked out with it later that day.
I left your tip in your mailbox. Last night was amazing.
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
Who the fuck gets injured on a merry-go-round? HOW IS IT POSSIBLE??
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
Randomize
