my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
you were standing in two feet of water, screaming at people walking by to "call river rescue".
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
I got shot at today. If that doesn't get me at least a blow job I give up working on the south side
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
My stomach literally has no contents left. Tequila cleanse=success.
I hope you enjoy this collage I made of you and me getting fucked up together
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
Yeah but if you conceived a child on a park slide that would be pretty awesome
Now i know i wasnt that drunk... So why are there texts of me volunteering for a nude photo shoot for an art major student?
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
Randomize
