so this chick screams out the name doug is bed..not to later do i find out doug is her vibrator
hello competition
He's sitting on the floor holding his bracket and crying, literally crying... he just keeps saying "Kansas how could you?" over and over
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
I've got to stop giving the gift of vagina for every occasion. I'm exhausted.
We fucked in his mom's shower and all I could think about was being too old to be sneak banging while someone's mom was out of town and how much mildew was on the shower curtain. Fuck you, Adulthood.
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
Last night she walked off and disappeared from everyone got home at 330 and said she went to the casino with her cab driver.
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
I just jerked him off with one hand while holding my wine glass with the other and watching Congo. I feel like this was a preview to my married life...
She doesn't even give a fuck about angle. I seriously gotta start doing like penis yoga or something.
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
The end of the friendship was inevitable. I hooked up with her cousin and forgot to mention it to her
Your boobs are like a folk legend.
He may have been a dick but he DID give me his Netflix log in. Maybe some good did come of it.
Randomize
