Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
Easy for you to say! His first impression of you isn't the drunk girl in a turtle costume who got hit by a car!
We can't bring brittanys dog so we are getting high and getting in my bathtub I think it's pretty safe
nothing says 'im willing to leave my comfort zone for you' like letting you choke me during sex
It's like a new game! Find out if he's circumcised without actually seeing it
Douche bag was crowd surfing, sack punched him. Crowd carried him away in a ball of agony. LIFE=COMPLETE.
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
He managed to crash an entire train of shopping carts into a wall. I think he noticed my implants.
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
THE STRIPPER HAD A GUN JOHN!
Dude I used amphetamines responsibly today though. I snorted one in the am for work and then chewed one in the pm for other work. I'm an adult.
I have post one night stand depression
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