New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
I just recorded courtney puking and set it as my ringtone.
Still workable. Pretty sure i told her i'd eat her out in the woods.
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
Lindsay lohan: road to jail is on E tonight. Bring vodka we are not missing an opportunity to make a drinking game out of this
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
I just kept screaming "I'm fucking a preacher's son!" Also, this water tastes like weed.
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
Jake and I will do a protection ritual for ur dick I don't know where she has been
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
I was gonna start crying but as he was asking me for my info i saw him eyeing my rack. So I sorta started pushing them together. He asked me to get out of the car he made me turn around so he could check me out and then he said and I quote "okay ma'am. Everything is fine, I'm going to let you off with a warning. Next time if you're not wearing yoga pants you might not be as lucky" I am blessed.
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
I made a nest in his bed. I'm not leaving
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
Best night if my life? Time I got eaten out in the backseat of a M5 while eating White Castle. Then he fucked me. Perfect
Randomize
