and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
how did he go about obtaining bull sperm?
It's like the only way I know how to apologize is by giving a blow job.
oh my god. the driver of our party bus just said "no drugs unless you're sharin," my confidence in him is not high at the moment
She swung at the pinata with crutches
All I remember is having a LONG talk with a 23 year old mother with a 5 year old kid at a bar who told me "it's not that bad"
I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
I NEVER left your party last night of anyone asks.
Yeah, I didn't wake up handcuffed to my bed either.
Dude you made a rodeo shot in beer pong won the game then got in the hot tub poured beer all over the side and screamed "hot tub time machine!"...
This hangover makes more sense now
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
But that background check said 51...Omg. If I hooked up with someone that's my dads age.....
If you think that liquor is the way to shower sex then you're right.
Whose the chick running for dorm president promising bigger dicks and softer toilet paper? That’s who I m voting for
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