the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
I'm sitting by the window waiting for the sun to go down so that I can start drinking.
I'm pregaming before our pregaming dinner...with peanut butter and beer. I think I need to re-evaluate my budget...
Just the budget?
Someone played tic tac toe on my abs?
One date. That's all it took. I want to have his geunis babies in me. One date.
It's Friday afternoon and I'm drunk. This is how I cope.
We pretended the crowd cheering the Thunder's win was cheering for us while we had sex on the couch.
MASS TEXT: Lets start a new tradition. Black Friday log pic contest. I'm waiting.
My orifices are off limits as long as you have that stache. Your call.
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
Now it's a thing. He's kind of a creeper and now he's lotioning me. This is going to turn into a Buffalo Bull situation.
You had all day to plan ahead & get mixers, so whose fault is this sobriety?
i can't believe i helped you shave your back last night, and she still didn't sleep with you.
I could be the Kenny Powers of Sex Therapists.
Randomize
