Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
he actually used the line "do you have a map, because i'm lost in your eyes" and i was to drunk to care
You named all of the cocktail shrimps and then tackled a guy for "eating Henry"
Under no circumstances is it ok to do naked cartwheels in front of anyone. i don't care how much ecstasy you took
he was spitting whole peanuts projectile out of his mouth at the waitresses as they walked by and then yelled across the restaurant that he had "no problem kicking any of their asses"
the cab driver said that we weren't the worst shit show he'd ever seen, CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!!
My tits, and hanging out behind a hotel eating pizza.
I seriously have her in my phone as "Legit 8"...even I'm surprised
It's def pee. WHY DO I PEE ON THINGS WHEN I DRINK TEQUILA
Do you ever get high and look at your cat and feel like you know them on an intellectual level?
I just used Bacardi to dry out poison ivy.
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
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