i wanted to sleep on a waterbed so i filled up my bathtub so i could fall asleep in it...
He had a stripper pole in his bedroom. I didn't know whether to be impressed or creeped out.
When health care reform is passed, I'm throwing a kegger
You are the reason we need health care reform
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
I just had my first experience getting hit on by a guy. It was really awkward, he touched my chest and invited me to a gay bar because "women get drunk and let their guard down at gay bars"
thats actually pretty good logic
In other words, he somehow found his way to my apartment, wasted, and was naked on my new couch. Completely naked. It was too special to pass up.
And then he told me he was too tired for me to suck his dick. Physically and mentally too tired for me to suck his dick. What the fuck?
No seriously stop! I feel bad for him. It isn't even big enough to make fun of. It's so small that it's like a disability.
Bro, did you watch that scooby doo porn I sent to you?
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
I smoked then listened to a voicemail from my mom...I ended up yelling at my phone cause she wasn't answering me. Forgot it was a recording.
I do remember that in my dream I wasn't impressed with his dick.
Buying a new bed right now. My options are limited because I need to be able to be tied to it.
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
I don't want to be flamboyant (says the guy who bought a hot pink suit to be a flamingo for Halloween)--but I don't mind being a little extra.
Randomize
