I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
But life isn't just all about getting drunk & eating chicken strips.
Besides the whole peeing blood for a week thing, it was the best sex of my life.
She said to bring taco sauce. Hoping that's a euphemism.
It took all the strength I had tto sit at my desk and not tear off my business attire and run screaming from adulthood and flourescent lights.
so gross sitting on a warm chair at a restaurant..you just know a fat person was sitting there shoveling food into their face for hours.
I'm gonna drop in for a zip later man. It made me wanna eat my girls shampoo. Good shit
She thinks I'm afraid I'm gonna get caught in one of my lies and some of the girls I'm fucking will find out about each other. But it would be a relief to offload a few from the old crop and work in a few newbies into the rotation. The organization could use some new blood.
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
So far I consider it a great summer because I have had to buy Plan B a total of zero times
the bartender knew what was up when i took a sip of my drink, gagged and asked her to water down my water
AND I HAVE A NICE COCK! A STRIPPER TOLD ME SO IT MUST BE TRUE!
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
Just remembered sticking my head out the window as i drove us to walmart and yelling that i was a golden retriever.
Also, sorry for verbally assaulting you when you asked if you could dump the bowl.
Randomize
