someone threw a dead crab at me
let's makeout let's makeout let's make out let's make out
I cannot believe you needed a note to remind yourself to ask me about the fourteen sleeping Mexicans.
Make good choices ;) This is your automated cockblock message
5am is far to early to be on jagerbomb number 6 right now
Im gonna need you to always be ready for drinking or this will never work. grow up peter pan.
We officially wrote our house rules 1. We do not waste alcohol 2. Pinky promises mean something 3. Don't leave your facebook open, and if you do, don't complain 4. Never refuse cuddle or catch phrase
Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
The only thing he had going for him was mad fingering skills. the ONLY thing. crayons have a wider circumference.
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
Before he left he told me if his girlfriend ever finds out, she'll take us both to an alley and kill us.
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
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