Who do you think planted the wheat? Who do you think cleared the land and killed off the native inhabitants? Women?
Just saw a white stretch Hummer limo outside of CiCi's pizza. Way to live up to the stereotypes, Alabama.
mom and dad sent me an easter basket full of beer pong supplies again.
Sorry for calling you a whore in front of your mom. World cup brings the worst out of me.
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
She spilled some tequila on her hair somehow and I guess I felt bad for her, so I yelled "ROOMIES FOR LIFE" and dipped my hair in my tequila.
Handcuffs are allowed in carry on luggage :) just checked
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
I'm trying. I feel like we're trying to have sex with fruitcake. dry and boring.
It's all fun and games until your in the alumni campus center puking on the floor
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
I told you naked hot tub wrestling would turn bad now one of us has a gash on the head and another a black eye
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
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