wanna go halves on a baby?
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
shes in my pool wearing only floaties on her arms ill have to raincheck watching march madness with you guys sorry
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
Itd be like fucking a waterbed thats been locked in a barn for two years.
Where in the FUCK do you get your analogies
He said he wanted to make me his Twinkie, "filled with his delicious cream." ABSOLUTELY 100% NO YOU MAY NOT REPEAT ****NOT**** GIVE HIM MY NUMBER EVER EVER EVER. Please confirm receipt and full comprehension of this message.
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
Eating a popsicle in the shower was the best idea I've had in ages.
He puked over my shoulder into the toilet. The guy in the next stall sounded totally appalled.
And now I have fucked a local celebrity so double free drinks at bars.
We're all just looking at each other quietly, hoping that no one brings up last nights shenanigans.
How much more is Amanda Bynes going to rip out our hearts?!?!?
Matt and I's climactic adventure has ended with Matt being hauled off to jail. And now his brother and I are having lunch and a beer.
still can't believe dude took a personal call while he was balls deep in my mouth.
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