if i had a camp nickname it would be Flick Bean
just woke up in the beanbag bin at walmart
Yeah i knew he wasn't okay when he told me he was "seeing his vision"
We just found a knife wedged in between the cushions on the couch you guys fucked on...why is this?
You Were screaming "Im trying to get it in" and "stop cock blocking" while i threw you in the car
let's just say if he has a penis and he hypothetically needs to put it somewhere... i would take care of that for him.
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
I just almost said to a customer "P as in Pussy"
the next thing I knew, I was on the floor of a Tim Hortons bathroom in Canada.
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
Is it sad that the most attractive guy I've come across in a week that's not my professor is the man doing my pedicure?
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
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