my ass hurt today after the party last night. I wnt to the doctors and they found a coin in a ziplock bag with a note from you. WHAT THE FUCK DID U DO TO ME???
are you serious? he told me he had to cancel bc his grandma came into town
well unless his grandma is 21 and blonde, HE LIED TO YOU IDIOT
Remind them to make the "above the influence" commercial about us fallin off a ferris wheel
I'm still reeling over the fact that you beat us all at Risk while you were flat on your ass drunk and falling asleep on South America.
I'm going to appeal my grade. Is it better to look studious or slutty?
Is it wierd that you're going to be my best man and you've fucked my wife?
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
Whoever was the last to get in from the chinese firedrill had to pay the dealer.
Apparently you missed the drunkest me ever documented. I slept on the hardwood floor and left my pants on the porch to give u a frame of reference.
She started telling me about this odd patch of smooth skin under her boobs. Not sure if she was hitting on me or looking for free advise from a doctor...
I mean, I still played with her tits for like 20min tho.
Well I'm going to hell. But I'm going after multiple orgasms.
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
Help me help you realize you are a moron
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
I'm on a walk of shame carrying YOUR pants. You owe me.
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