You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
sperm doesn't mix with malibu too well
We went out. i got lost. dunno where they were. they slept in the car. i slept in an outdoor shower. i dont know anything else.
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
I just watched the lion king for the first time in years. It's like the equivalent of a really good blow job.
She dresses cool and she's mean. And she has fake boobs I feel like I can relate to her on so many levels.
there is vomit in the pocket of my dress coat. i remember thinking "this is a weird place to puke" at some point in the evening, but i dont understand how i did this.
Dude too much vodka. I think I just puked up my heart
That's what you get for taking that guy home. The god of sluttiness is frowning upon you.
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
Ive fucked up. im like a feral dog rabidly chasing an infrequent dream amidst a cataclysm of disaster
So high I legit spent 20mins in the shower just holding my tits cuz they feel bigger than normal.
He just seemed to happy to be having sex with me that it ruined the mood for me. I just wanted to punch him.
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
I was in line at Panera when I got the pic you sent to your coworker. I just showed your vag to a soccer mom. The vibrator was a nice touch.
Let's just face it you're going to have an arrangement with your future wife your fuck me on Thursdays
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