A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
Haha he acted like he's never seen a tampon catapolt across the hall before
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
I think he's on the stoner protein diet. I just saw him, at 3 am, spreading mayo on a slice of deli ham and sprinkling salt on top.
They made the rule if I caught the ball with my cleavage they would drink the entire beer pong table. I don't think they expected me to actually do it.
You looked at my sister and yelled at her saying in a couple of years she will be yours
I got shot at last night. Lesson about married chicks: learned.
Honestly bro, I can't look at girls you've banged. Its like looking herpes in the face.
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
You don't want to cheat on your husband, you just want to fuck someone who isn't him.
My dad picked me up from the bus station and as soon as he saw me he yelled "bus backwards is SUB!" and started laughing, I'm like 800% sure he's stoned. I'm so happy I came home for spring break.
I smoked out of two pipes at the same time while my friends wielded the lighters last night. It felt like I graduated to the next level of stoner.
do you think me going to the gyno dressed as a cat is inappropriate?
I can't wait to see you again. It will be like when we first started dating- but with less clothes.
That's the 3rd negative pregnancy test this month. I'm on a roll.
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