Friends don't let friends fuck ugly girls. WALK AWAY FROM HER!
I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
just landed in detroit. Currently holding a bag of my own vomit. neighbor told me it was the most graceful vom she has ever seen. Kicking off bar exam week in style.
he actually used the line "do you have a map, because i'm lost in your eyes" and i was to drunk to care
I just dropped macaroni right down my cleavage. For the sake of our future, I'm really banking on this being a turn on for you.
I peed glitter this morning and had a beard drawn on my face with eyeliner. Last time I do shots with gay Dan.
Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
We broke into her grandpa's pool at 2 am and I held my underwear out the window on the way home.
When you say shenanigans does that mean I should bring birth control?
You would only karaoke to Spanish songs, but sang with the accent of the french candle stick in beauty and the beast.
He propositioned me for a threesome once so yeah I'd say he has what it takes to run for public office
its weird getting into a political debate with a pony dressed as an anime character online
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
Gov of Georgia is going to allow massage therapists to return to work.
Gives a new meaning to 'Happy Endings'.
Randomize
