God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
thought so. i woke up and he was playing with my eyeliner. I MAKE GREAT CHOICES.
splinters make it hard to masturbate
Really? How much of his life do you think he remembers? I'm pretty sure 75% of it qualifies as "kind of a blur".
whatever. i almost had sex in a car with someone passed out in the back seat. phone's not my biggest worry.
Dude i swear to christ if he sends me one more pic of a "magnificent dump" im changing my number
Ya know what's been the best part of this College Football Season? Not having to hear Brent Musberger say the Honey Badger 77 fucking times.
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
she told me she wanted to fuck me because i was "rugged". if the definition of rugged is a lack of manscaping, slightly overweight, and pounding 16 oz pbrs, then yes i am rugged as fuck
how fucking stupid do you have to be to think I'm going to accept your friend request months after falling asleep during one night stand sex?
I'm questioning my decision to swallow this morning while my stomach was in hangover mode
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
He walked upstairs in nothing but his boxers and drunkenly asked my brother for a condom....so much for a good first impression.
Quit bitching. I brought you a muffin.
Fuck my life... Im so horny Im gonna take it out on this sandwich
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