My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
Just set a new record on Need For Speed at the arcade. Had to enter Tiger Woods as the name.
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
I just saw a group of 50+ year old women all wearing shirts that said "drink up, bitches" ...please tell me that can be us some day.
This would be a good time for the don't get drunk and bang a married chick pep talk...
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
Wow has his pick up routine ever gotten bad. He is trying to use cheese as a way to flirt with the waitress
Oh man, he played the Harvarti cheese card and it didn't work. Now he is flailing
what a fun peer-pressure-filled weekend
woke up to find i out made out with his roommate before hooking up with him. breakfast was awkward to say the least
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
Sigh. I haven't seen a dick since August 22nd. And in case you forgot, it's January.
i want george washington to fuck me as hard as he can holy shit
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