I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
you know you should just kill yourself when you are helping your 16 year-old sister get ready for a date and you're going out to dinner with you parents..
What about the words "You're my personal dildo" made him say "I love you"?
you make it seem like sunflower seeds and pinot grigio are not in the food pyramid.
That's what you said about that spiderman stripper, but look how that turned out
he brought me knee pads...is that sweet or weird?
Her pussy was so beautiful. That's what I'LL miss the most. Not the omelets. You're the roommate, obviously our priorities on this situation are vastly different.
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
Dude. Going to the Theme park the day after the 4th of July was the worst idea I've ever had.
Oh and apparently something happened that was related to "THIS IS SPARTA" but no one will tell me what I did.
So I'm going to blame my boobs hurting on that.
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
Hey I'm trying to get back with my ex I'mm done doing whatever we were doing I hope things workout for you
Weird flex but ok.
Randomize
