what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
So...i'm having a drinking contest, my right hand vs my left, i have a feeling the 24 pack is gonna win
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
Sorry I forced you to take an adderall at 1am and then proceeded to dance to Lose Yourself outside of Qdoba.
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
After a certain point, you just want to make it work. Prove to yourself that you're smarter than the vibrator.
Wtf are freshmen gonna think when the first thing they see in a pale 6'4 white kid with a mustache yelling ya man and we be liming in a Trinidadian accent
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
There is an alarming amount of food in my bra.
You aren't truly friends with someone until you play drinking games via text at 8:30 in the morning.
The selfie stick gets 5 stars bc it really added a fun element to my sex tape
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
How do you nicely stand up a date that you're skipping for a 3sum
"Why is there a bottle of Tequila taped to the fan?"
Having sex with him is like yoga. I do it in the morning and then can't walk for three days afterwards.
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