we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
they just dont make restraining orders like they used to.
Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
you were crying while pretty ricky was playing, what did you want me to do
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
i told you the emergency thong was a good idea.
The pride tent is doing free lube tastings. There is also a mechanical bull.
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
Tis the season to puke in grandma's bathroom
New hot neighbor boys moving in across from us...So i did the logical thing and bought two 30 packs up the hill and walked right by em. Consider the line hooked and ready to reel.
Ok so you know that's gonna be legally viewed as kidnapping, right?
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
I gave you keys to my house and drugs. This must mean we're in a relationship.
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
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