You drink too much
No, I drink just the right amount - too often.
Waitress cut us off at Chili's bar. New low
I'm to the point in my high that every song eventually turns into Lady Gaga
I interrupted her conversation with, "are we gonna fuck yet?" and she immediately got naked. thanks for the blind date
Just smoked a bowl with the exterminator. I think my day is more productive.
We're going clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
What will that accomplish?
It will accomplish clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
just saw way to many penises for it being 5 o'clock on a thursday
Babe. Honestly. Trust me. Your balls are not that big. And i'm eager.
That big chick who gave you the handly polished off one of the walls to the ginger bread house right before she came outside. FYI
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
DELETE THAT VIDEO OF ME MAKING OUT WITH THAT RUG NOW
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
Listen here, Ms. "I'm Gonna Get Super Drunk and Run From My Friends Screaming That They Were Going to Drag Her to a Scientology Recruitment Camp"...
This is why people in Buffalo die of heart attacks. This and wings
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